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Centenarian Spends Final Days Re-Telling Stories to Reporters

Bill Werber, who just turned 100, is old enough to get pissed off at Johnny Damon's hair, and the fact that women sing the national anthem. But, clearly, he's an old man—possibly the oldest living professional baseball player—so his curmudgeonly side manages to come off as charming. At least it does in his recent interviews which, given that he has just passed the century mark, have been numerous.

Sports

Bill Simmons Has No Love for Tennis

In the past, Gelf has answered some of Bill Simmons's seemingly rhetorical questions. We often found that our answers often didn't match the ones he implied. Recently, Simmons wrote a piece in ESPN the Magazine about the state of professional tennis. Once again, we found Simmons assuming we would answer his questions in a vastly different way.

Sports

Say My Name!

Quickly—where do the Boston Celtics play their home games? No, it's not called the Boston Garden anymore. Don't know off the top of your head? Neither did we, until we heard that TD Bank CEO Ed Clark sent an email to ESPN's Bill Simmons asking that Simmons stop referring to TD Banknorth Garden as "Whatever The Hell The Garden Is Called"—except, of course, that he didn't.

Sports

Impossibly High Standards

Joe Dumars, the Detroit Pistons' President of Basketball Operations fired coach Flip Saunders this week, after his team lost to the Celtics in the NBA's Eastern Conference Finals. Saunders guided the team to professional basketball's Final Four in all three of his years with the team. Over that span, the team posted a regular season record of 176-70. If his years with Detroit were his only record as an NBA coach, Saunders would have the highest career winning percentage (.715) of any coach in NBA history, 15 points ahead of Phil Jackson.

Sports

Don't Call It a Comeback

Maybe Josh Hamilton is the real deal. It feels weird to write that, because it seemed overwhelmingly unlikely that Hamilton would succeed in his second stint as a professional baseball player. However, the prevailing hero worship bestowed upon him by the media and the general public for his comeback is deplorable.

Sports

Road Woes

As everybody and Lebron's mother knows, the road teams in this year’s NBA playoffs have been atrocious. Among the four series, the road team has gone 2-22 as of Sunday, for a pitiful .083 winning percentage. But the question everyone is asking, and trying to answer, is why? Gelf rounded up some of the most and least popular answers, and ranked them according to how many sources cited them.

Sports

David Sloane, Master Negotiator

Mets first baseman Carlos Delgado is having an unproductive season which, combined with his drop-off last year, has led to speculation that he's on the wrong side of his baseball career. But don't try telling that to Delgado's agent, David Sloane. Because Sloane has the ultimate trump card: Yo mama.

Sports

We're Sorry, Cleveland

A certain national chain pizzeria recently apologized to the city of Cleveland and Cavs' star LeBron James for printing T-shirts that read "Crybaby: 23" during the recent Cavs-Wizards playoff series. The chain is also doing its penance for insulting The Chosen One by "rewarding" the earnestly loyal fans of Cleveland with 23-cent pizzas all day this Thursday—thus ensuring the continuation of free, undeserved publicity, though not from this website.

Sports

Roger vs. Barry

In the wake of allegations that Roger Clemens carried on a 10-year affair with country singer Mindy McCready, supposedly starting when the singer was all of 15 (and the Rocket was 28), Gelf started to wonder if he had finally surpassed the radioactive Barry Bonds in terms of all-around assholishness. A thoroughly unscientific investigation follows:

Media

The Knicks' Hulking, Sinking Ship

The performance of the New York Knicks has been so mind-bogglingly bad in the last few years that sportswriters have been digging to find appropriate metaphors for the degree of ineptitude Isiah Thomas and his team bring to the court on a regular basis. A recent New York magazine piece titled "Absolutely, Positively the Worst Team in the History of Professional Sports" calls them "a Kurtzian horror of bloated contracts and hyped ne'er-do-wells"—among many other things.

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