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Maybe We Shouldn't Dismember Those Titans

The Tennessee Titans lost to the New York Jets this past Sunday, ending their bid for an undefeated season. But while the Titans were certainly defeated, were they dismembered? While the score was 34-13, the Titans' limbs appear intact. Sports-headline writers, in love with references to a mediocre football movie, may be disappointed by that fact.


Bill Simmons, Aviation Expert?

ESPN's Bill Simmons, Boston sports junkie and master of the rhetorical question, is not a master of airplane engineering. Yet, as a reader pointed out to the columnist in one of his recent mailbags, his image was used by small-aircraft maker Western Aviation on the company's "experts" page. Simmons, unsurprisingly, was confused, so Gelf decided to check it out.


Stop Monkeying Around

Proving once again that American sporting events are comparatively civilized affairs, Spanish soccer club Atletico Madrid just received the toughest penalty ever for racism. That's right—a penalty for racism. The club, which was scheduled to host an upcoming match against Liverpool, will see the match moved to a neutral location at least 300 kilometers from Madrid. Finding out exactly what the club did to deserve this penalty is difficult.


Big-Nuts Brown

Browns tight end Kellen Winslow is in the hospital and will miss Monday night's game against the Giants. But why? Aside from noting that "his arms and legs are not falling off," nobody associated with the Browns seems willing to discuss it—which has led to speculation that another appendage of his has not fallen off, but blown up.


Boner or Blunder?

In 1908, the New York Giants' Fred Merkle made one of the most infamous plays in baseball history, a baserunning error that ultimately cost the Giants the pennant and went down in history as "Merkle's boner." Except to the New York Times, who—perhaps thinking you may assume that Merkle caught sight of a lady's bare ankle—decided to term his mistake a "blunder."


Carlos Zambrano, Venezuelan Aristocrat

Carlos Zambrano celebrated his recent no-hitter by allowing the 11 people who work in his Venezuelan home to have a day off. "They want to take the day off, have some drinks and get a little crazy. I say, 'OK, one day.' My home is empty today," the Cubs ace told the Chicago Sun-Times. Which led us to wonder: Why the hell does Zambrano need 11 people working in his house when he's not even there?


Stat-heads and Scouts of the World, Unite!

The way baseball writers like to tell it, they are the brave mediators of an ongoing war for the soul of the sport between the old-school scouts and the new-school sabermetricians. According to the scribes, their skills are necessary to parse out the nuggets of truth among the spin emanating from these two diametrically opposed interest groups. In reality, though, writers fervently fan the flames of this supposed feud simply to give themselves something to write about. Nowhere is this more apparent than when they're discussing the career of Arizona Diamondbacks first baseman Adam Dunn.


Golf is a Republican

As you might've figured out, we at Gelf appreciate sports and politics (among other things). So in this election year, we could not help but ask the obvious question: Are some of our favorite sports Republicans or Democrats? We thought about it and ran our thoughts by progressive sportswriter Dave Zirin for some perspective (Zirin, for his part, went beyond simply Republicans and Democrats).


Who's Right on Hawk-Eye?

Hawk-Eye, the sophisticated instant-replay system used in Grand Slam tennis matches on show courts, uses cameras and computer simulations to show where tennis balls land. It's used as the final word on accepted calls, and the New York Times says it has "won over players, fans and officials." Maybe so, but it hasn't won over Salon tech writer Farhad Manjoo.


We Are a Part of a Raider Nation

No one is writing the real story of what happened last Monday night in Oakland Coliseum. Yes, the Raiders lost on national television, 41-14, against their oldest, most-bitter rivals in the season opener at home before a capacity crowd of 63,000. Yes, their 23-year-old quarterback JaMarcus Russell was coddled by management, never getting a chance to let fly with his $60-million arm. Yes, it will be another losing season with the youngest coach in the NFL, who went 4-12 last year. But no, this was not a defeat. Because you cannot defeat congenital losers. Even in defeat, losers don't lose; their identity is only reaffirmed. Let it be said loud and clear that, now more than ever, America is a Raider Nation, and we are all Raiders!

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