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January 21, 2009

Five Suggestions from the Inauguration

The inauguration of a new president is a grand thing, and Gelf had fun hanging out in Washington and Tweeting our thoughts while we waited on line. For future inaugurations, though, we've got a few suggestions that may make the crowds more bearable and the party more rockin'.

Tickets should be given away Willy Wonka style.
With the entire country clamoring for tickets, why pander only to the privileged and well-connected? Tickets ought to be found inside bottles of aspirin, behind a sheet of postage stamps, or as a prize inside of high-fiber cereals.

Line-cutters shall be prosecuted as terrorists
Especially at the inauguration of a President who has united communities across the country, cutting in line is un-American and un-neighborly. This selfish practice undermines any sense of integrity or brotherly love, breeding only hatred for fellow Americans. I say we detain line-cutters indefinitely in the Purple Tunnel of Doom.

The ceremony should be more spectacular
When the twenty-one gun salute sounded, many in the crowd ducked, looking around wide-eyed for smoke or signs of attack. While this tradition may trigger the paranoia from the (thankfully bygone) W. Bush era, it still has a welcome place. In fact, there should be more explosions. And fireworks. And Cheerleaders. And a skit with our team beating and humiliating the other team. Yes, the inauguration should be more like a high school homecoming ceremony.

It shouldn't be in January
Standing for hours becomes increasingly difficult when you haven't been able to feel your toes since 4 a.m. While huddling in a crowd like a rookery of penguins does breed a sense of community, the inauguration should be held in warmer weather. And as long we're going to have fireworks, why not kill two birds with one stone (sorry penguins) and join the inauguration with the Fourth of July?

The theme music should be updated
Enough with John Philip Sousa. With so many young people in the audience, why not plug an iPod into the podium and play something more up to date. "Hail to the Chief" can stay, but we missed an excellent opportunity to play the theme from Curb Your Enthusiasm for wheelchair bound Dick Cheney. (Ok, here it is below.)

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- Politics
- posted on Jan 28, 09
lorayne Carbon

Brilliant Ben! I would have expected no less! And I am crying with laughter at Cheny!!!!

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