Gelf Magazine - Looking over the overlooked

Sports

February 19, 2005

Too Many Sports Guys

Bill Simmons has been fruitful and multiplied.

Carl Bialik

I like Bill Simmons. I like his ESPN.com Sports Guy column, I can handle his Boston-centric view of the universe, and I even enjoy some of his pop-culture references.

But one Bill Simmons is enough for this world, and certainly enough for one website. He has a funny style that wears thin on repeat. That's why the contest to select an intern is as troubling as anything can be while still being about something as trivial as sports. He posted the 400-words-or-less entries from 25 finalists out of 4,500 entries. (Simmons's intro lays out his angelic intentions: "I'm hoping that this contest helps one person get where they need to be some day. That's why we're having it." As he would say: Excuse me while I puke in my mouth.)

After reading all 25 entries, I had trouble distinguishing them. They all sound like Bill. I've pasted random quotes from among his 25 entrants. If you know Sports Guy, you'll be alarmed that at least 25 people sound so much like him (scarily, at least another 4,475 may aspire to sound like him, but not be good mimics; and all sports fans know some Simmons-wannabes; and full disclosure: Gelf didn't apply). If you don't know Simmons, ask yourself if you need more than one person who sounds exactly like this:

In an ESPN interview, Mike Vick was once asked to pick between Tupac and Biggie, and chose Biggie. I was catatonic. My exact words were, "I'm going to pretend that never happened." You wrote almost the exact same quote in your column the next day. This is important.

I think Penny Hardaway's disappearance from the face of the earth has less to do with his separation from Shaq and more to do with his separation from Lil' Penny.

I still go to Jazzfest in New Orleans every year, if for no other reason than to have a forum to wear my "I love boobies" t-shirt.

I own every season of the show "News Radio" on video before Phil Hartman died, and if you can't see the virtue in that, well, we can't be friends.

If you throw in one of those Celtics dresses that doubles as a ghetto prom dress I'd be willing to work for free.

I know that my mother thinks Will Ferrell has a fetish for walking around in his underwear—and I think she might be on to something.

I always finish what I sta

Now I am a hot chick with a journalism degree and no job. As if my life isn't depressing enough, I constantly watch the Faith Rewarded DVD and cry myself to sleep at night.

See, I am obsessed with sports—I go to all lengths to listen to WEEI and read the Globe sports section (not to mention espn.com) every day, although I am convinced Fred Smerlas is the missing link between man and ape and Shaughnessy is the Antichrist.

I was finding web porn before Al Gore even invented the internet.

I believe my approach of kissing every girls butt until it is chapped is the best way to get a girl in the sack, even if is only for sympathy.

I'm the girl who gets to stay and watch the game, when everyone else's girlfriend is told to go home!

I think Chipotle puts a laxative in their salsa. I have never seen "The Godfather" from start to finish. My favorite band is U2. I will drive cross-country before I die.

I hang out primarily with guys who remind me of a perfect combination of Antonio Rocca, the Fonz, and Ricky Martin, and I'd bet on any given day I unknowingly step in 11 to 15 puddles of pee.

To put it simply ... I'm a girl ... I'm very attractive ... and I have the 2004-2005 season of NFL Countdown on tape and I would rather watch that (yes even the Mike Ditka segments) than cuddle with a guy any day of the week.

If there is one thing I learned in college, it's how to surf the Internet and be sarcastic about what I find. I can do this for you. Let me do this for you. [Is Gelf doing this right now? You decide!]

Carl Bialik

Carl Bialik, a co-founder of Gelf, is a writer for FiveThirtyEight.







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Comments

- Sports
- posted on Feb 19, 05
jdog

I say one Sports Guy is too much. You've just proven how worthless his drivel is... pretty much any American male could write this crap with equal or greater wit. Why do I want to read the type of crap I get all the time in emails from my buddies, from someone with half the intellect and no real interest in sports? And have you seen these cartoons? Now the Numbers Guy, that's a different story...

- Sports
- posted on Aug 03, 07
dave

jealousy leads to hate

- Sports
- posted on Dec 05, 08
Ved

Dang I need a girlfriend

- Sports
- posted on Dec 05, 08
Ved

Dang I need a girlfriend


Article by Carl Bialik

Carl Bialik, a co-founder of Gelf, is a writer for FiveThirtyEight.

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