Air Guitar Hero

"I'm here to get guitarded," the ditzy blond twenty-something tells me in complete deadpan. I nod in response, not understanding precisely what she means, but willing to learn. It is half past seven on a Thursday night, and we are idling in the lobby of the Fillmore at New York's Irving Plaza awaiting the start of the US Air Guitar Championships.

Just an hour before, I was sitting in at the press conference called by the movement's domestic sanctioning body, United States Air Guitar. Joining me were more than half a dozen other reporters and photographers, all of us gawking at a visual cacophony of humanity. There was unruly facial and body hair, package-quashing nylon, and transvestite-grade makeup application. As each of the 15 contestants was introduced, it became increasingly obvious that this was truly a ceremony of American composition. From Columbus came Derek-Not-So-Smalls; from San Francisco, Ricky Stinkfingers. According to the organizers, competitive air guitar began in Finland—where the world championship is held—under the mantra, "If you're holding an air guitar, you can't be holding a gun." Björn Türoque (pronounced byorn to-rock), air guitar hall-of-famer and MC of the evening's activities, confirmed this civic lesson during his introduction, saying that the practice "was founded for world peace."