We here at Gelf can't hope to compete with CNN. The network's 25 years of experience chasing down hard news and bringing you the story that matters, when it matters is something we aspire to. CNN, with the deep pockets of a major network can cultivate sources, and so get news you just can't get anywhere else.

For instance, if it weren't for the ground-breaking cable network, Gelf certainly wouldn't otherwise, by, say, having a pulse, be able to know that despite the King's death,
Saudi Arabia will still sell oil.

But, dear reader, we have been busy over at Gelf conducting inside, exclusive investigations into a number of more humble industries. According to someone familiar with the confectionary industry, Krispy Kreme and Dunkin Donuts are both involved in serious plans to continue making donuts. A mascot who asked to remain anonymous informed us of a new pledge, from McDonald's: "French fry production will continue unabated." Last, but not least, Gelf can now reveal that a confidential source told us, just after the death of Pope John Paul II, that Catholics will continue to believe in God, and have churches.