Gelflog

The Obama Paradox

Tue, 13 May 2008 15:39:14 -0500

A recent op-ed in the New York Times argues that should Barack Obama assume the presidency, he may want to avoid visiting the Middle East. Why? As the son of a Muslim father, Obama was technically born a Muslim, but because he became a Christian, he's an apostate. Therefore, in countries that strictly adhere to Muslim law (such as Iran and Saudi Arabia) it is illegal to punish, or even interfere with, his murder.

Obama's parents

Although Gelf has a hard time believing the author's inference that an Obama presidency would make the US even less well liked in the Muslim world, it's probably a good thing that Obama's mother was a Christian (albeit a non-practicing one) and not a Jew; if she were, her son might have ignited the fourth intifada. In Judaism, the mother's religion is passed on to the child. In Islam, the religion of the father is passed on to the child. So the theoretical child of a Jewish mother and Muslim father is theologically screwed.

Rich People's Problems

Tue, 13 May 2008 10:46:21 -0500

It's getting tougher and tougher out there to be a rich urban sophisticate—especially if you have kids. The New York Times reported last week that New York City public schools are facing severe overcrowding issues, leading to the waitlisting of hundreds of kindergarten students zoned for the city's top schools.

The rich get angstier

This is a serious issue, one worthy of a major report in the Times. But if all you did was skim the first few paragraphs of the story, you'd be under the impression that it mostly affects wealthy parents in trendy Lower Manhattan neighborhoods. As this writer can attest from years of attending overcrowded schools in solidly middle-class and decidedly not-trendy Staten Island, it does not. Yet the Times's story fails to even mention such areas, such as Queens's Flushing or The Bronx's Soundview, until the 12th paragraph. ("Criticism of the city's schools capital plan is not limited to wealthy enclaves." Gee, thanks.) And, after some admittedly pertinent information from city officials, it barely bothers to interview non-rich people before going right back to the problems of parents who could probably afford to send their kids to private school. Now, we at Gelf are not exactly class warriors, but the fact is the Times has done this before, too often. Sometimes, it's downright silly, as when the paper's Home section ran a long piece about rich people who dump each other over their apartments (among the piece's subjects are a man who dumped someone because "on her walls she had my two most despised pieces of art," and this guy, who is 70 and has a 22-year-old girlfriend). We understand, of course, that the Times's readership is on the upscale side. Next time, though, would it kill them to find a parent in Flushing?

David Sloane, Master Negotiator

Mon, 12 May 2008 18:45:15 -0500

Mets first baseman Carlos Delgado is having an unproductive season which, combined with his drop-off last year, has led to speculation that he's on the wrong side of his baseball career. But don't try telling that to Delgado's agent, David Sloane. Because Sloane has the ultimate trump card: Yo mama. Star-Ledger reporter Dan Graziano, wrote a column yesterday detailing a bizarre Mother's Day email exchange with Sloane that ended thusly:

Graziano: That a joke, too? You're a funny guy. Sloane: So's your mom.

Seeing as Sloane has made millions of dollars for Delgado over the past several years, we can't help but wonder if perhaps the phrase "your mom" is an underappreciated negotiating tactic. Think of the implications: Barack won't back down? "Your mom can't win the white vote"; Yahoo balking at Microsoft? "Your mom's worth $33 a share!"

In addition to being a negotiating genius, Sloane is evidently a public relations wizard. In 2005, after Delgado signed with the Marlins, Sloane mounted an unexplained PR blitz against the Mets, which perhaps culminated in an email to Newsday's John Heyman informing the writer that "tomorrow, [his] column will line a bird cage." By spring training 2006, Delgado was a Met. So's your mom.

Cutting Corners at The Times

Thu, 08 May 2008 20:07:58 -0500

Readers of the New York Times health section were recently treated to an alarming article titled "The Growing Wave of Teenage Self-Injury," which claims that the cutting and other forms of self-abuse are on the rise and that the main culprit behind that increase is—you guessed it!—the internet. Because there are exactly zero statistics in the story to back up either of those claims, Gelf decided to take a closer look at the story.

via Antediluvian

The main source in the article is psychologist Dr. Janis Whitlock, director of the Cornell Research Program on Self-Injurious Behavior in Adolescents and Young Adults, who tells the Times that the internet is "spreading the word about self-injury." But when Gelf asked Whitlock whether there is any evidence showing that self-injury is on the rise or that internet usage is a cause, she replied that it's impossible to know for sure, due to a lack of "baseline estimate." Whitlock also sent Gelf her study of self-injury internet message boards published in Developmental Psychology which concluded that these boards "provide a powerful vehicle for bringing together self-injurious adolescents." But bringing people together through the internet is not the same thing as increasing their numbers—Hi Ron Paul supporters!—and the study does not say much about a link between a rise in teenage self-injury and internet use. We're not experts, but we can't help but think that pinning a rise in self-injury (if there has even been one) on the internet is akin to pinning the Columbine massacre on Doom. Whitlock may think differently and, as she's something of an authority on the subject, the Times probably did its readers a service by seeking out her opinion and not ours. But couldn't the paper have pointed out both the difficulties in determining whether there is a "growing wave of teenage self-injury" and the paucity of evidence on the internet's relationship to it? Related in Gelf: We point out a similar spurious-trend-meets-internet-boogeyman piece that the New York Times did on the relationship between anorexia and Spring Break.

Primary Contradictions

Thu, 08 May 2008 15:17:23 -0500

Over the course of the past several months, at turns enthralled and exasperated, we've noticed some unusual contradictions in the voting blocs, or supposed voting blocs, of the two Democratic contenders. Seeing as we may be nearing the end of the election's first phase (you know, when you put it like that it doesn't sound quite so momentous), we're now going to take a look at some of those. Or, just state them.

Obama's coalition

He won red states with a left-of-center coalition. She won blue states with a centrist coalition. He won urban areas and sparsely populated states. She won rural areas and heavily populated states. His core constituency was African Americans, but he ran up some of his biggest margins in states that are overwhelmingly white (Colorado, Minnesota, Utah, Vermont, Wisconsin). Her core constituency was white blue-collar voters, but she performed best in states with diverse populations. And so on. We're sure there's some more. Go ahead and tell us some in the comments.

Angry Man Smash Computer

Thu, 08 May 2008 02:30:41 -0500

Gelf knew we had come across internet video gold when a friend first forwarded the YouTube video "man freaks out in coffee shop"—a clip of a man breaking down and attacking his computer. The breakdown may or may not have been faked (we grew skeptical when he claimed to have his half-written novel on his laptop). But the reason we knew this was going to be a hit is because it lies at the intersection of two strangely popular YouTube genres: man-on-machine violence and guy freaks out in public.

Man 1, Laptop 0

Any discussion of man-on-machine violence has to start with the scene in Office Space, where three co-workers take a bat to a printer. In fact, that scene has been parodied more than once on YouTube.

An homage to Michael Bolton

People suffering from office and computer frustration find catharsis on YouTube in the form of videos of people who have had enough and risen up against the machines. This employee, known only by his moniker, "Angry Man," shoves his computer to the ground. Another hero of the workplace places the machines in conflict with each other, by sticking his monitor into a copy machine. Who can forget the internet star of two years ago, the cellphone slamming professor? In the spirit of equal opportunity, there is also a female computer basher. And for those who don't want to go through the trouble of viewing them individually, there is a compilation of the best of computer violence video. For more of an interactive experience, check out the screensmasher, which offers all of the fun of beating up your screen, and none of the repercussions.

Poor monitor

The public breakdown is an internet video staple in its own right. From politics to sports, celebrity breakdowns are always popular. However, in the age of Web 2.0, user-generated content, and "you" as the person of the year, the essence of this new artform is found in the footage of random people losing their cool. No unstable person is safe from having his or her mental collapse shared with thousands of strangers on the internet. Not the weatherman, not the convict, not even the concerned citizen worried about rogue helicopter pilots in his neighborhood. In fact, the most interesting thing about "man freaks out in coffee shop" may be the fact that it was recorded simultaneously bytwo amateur videotapers, and that all of the customers who left the scene did so only to capture it on their cellphone from a safer distance.

Same freakout, different angle

We're Sorry, Cleveland

Wed, 07 May 2008 15:26:12 -0500

A certain national chain pizzeria recently apologized to the city of Cleveland and Cavs' star LeBron James for printing T-shirts that read "Crybaby: 23" during the recent Cavs-Wizards playoff series. The chain is also doing its penance for insulting The Chosen One by "rewarding" the earnestly loyal fans of Cleveland with 23-cent pizzas all day this Thursday—thus ensuring the continuation of free, undeserved publicity, though not from this website.

Being from New York, we have a built-in bias against national pizza chains, so we're just gonna come right out and tell you, Cleveland, they're really just offering you those pies at cost. Instead, good citizens of Cuyahoga County, why don't you come down to New York and enjoy a free pizza with a pint of Brooklyn Pennant Ale? You'll have to pay for the beer, but we're pretty sure it's a better deal.