I have been registering unease at the voguish habit of deploying animals in advertising campaigns for some time, but the last strawthat which finally spurred the realization that this phenomenon, like fascism, was one to be fought against rather than mused uponcame on a recent Sunday morning. I was leafing through the pages of the Wall Street Journal Weekend Edition when I saw it: a yellow spider, his bubbly, computer-generated likeness dangling by a thread in a full-page ad. He looked out at me from that page of newsprint with an air of disingenuous cuteness, his pupil-less eyes implying some nameless request. It seemed he might have been about to cry. I do not know, and I do not care. This was a potentially venomous invertebrate, not a toddler returning home with a scraped knee.
As A.I. showed, even the cuddliest of creatures can be dangerous. |
I should perhaps admit here, by way of full disclosure, that I lived for some time in a region of France renowned for treating ducks in a sane and sensible way: by eating them. Natives of the Languedoc, in the southwestern part of the country, prize their duck-dominated menus, from the simple filet de canard (duck breast) to more unusual dishes such as confit de canard (duck preserved in its own fat) and salade avec gésiers (duck-throat salad, which, I am here to report, is crunchily delicious). The idea of a duck hawking life-insurance plans would strike my former neighbors as exactly what it is: a puzzling, but no less serious, abomination. Beyond such prima facie considerations, it is obvious that the Aflac duck is a particularly noxious and aggressive member of his species; he fits the role of the superlatively odious salesman better than many of his human counterparts. In commercials, he follows confused and uneasy passersby down the street or into barber shops quacking a single wordAflacthe name of his product.
Only Yogi could shut up the duck (YouTube). |
I haven’t the faintest notion where Madison Avenue’s present enthusiasm for the animal kingdom came from. Had I to venture a guess, I would say that you could trace it to a scenario involving a few novice copy writers, a late night working on deadline with the Discovery Channel playing in the background on mute, and a three-foot bong. But whatever this blight’s origins, its remedy, to my mind, is clear. The Federal Communications Commission already sees fit to impose onerous fines for the use of such innocuous profanities as "shit" and "fuck". The commissioners could readily be urged, I am sure, to set up prohibitive fees against companies who choose to vend their wares through the birds of the air and beasts of the field.
Come to think of it, the whole enterprise of animal salesmanship must contain something objectionable in it to the literal interpreters of sacred texts. If we can get a popular evangelical preacher on our side, taking care to steer him clear of methamphetamines and male prostitutesrevealed by recent headlines as the veritable Scylla and Charybdis of the life in ChristI suspect our cause is won.
You who have come this far with me will, I think I can presume, sympathize to some degree with my complaint. And so I beg your indulgence in one last, brief discourse upon a creature that no earnest discussion of this subject can omit. I speak, my friends, of the most cloying and nefarious salesman of them all: the Geico gecko.
Note the eyes. |
Where on earth, I cannot help wondering, did the insurance industry get the idea that reptiles and ducks inspire the requisite degree of trust in a consumer? Allstate, by contrast, seems to my way of looking at things to have it right: The agency’s commercials star not an emu or a miniature donkey, but the commanding Dennis Haysbert, known for his role as the steady-as-she-goes President David Palmer in the hit Fox series 24. Haysbert, even of gaze, inquires of the viewer in a voice with the texture of granite, "Are you in good hands?" At last I am! I want to cry out. Better your hands, Mr. Haysbert, than those of a vulgar and self-satisfied lizard. Better indeed.
Related on the Web
Earlier this year, Forbes ranked spokescreatures by likability. Aflac's duck came in third, and Geico's gecko took fifth.
Comment Rules
The following HTML is allowed in comments:
Bold: <b>Text</b>
Italic: <i>Text</i>
Link:
<a href="URL">Text</a>